The Olympic Hunger Games

August 14, 2012

A few days ago Will Ferrell tweeted that all of the gold medal winners should be thrown into a hunger games style competition to crown an overall champion of the Olympics.  I thought this was a hilarious idea and spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about who would win.  This idea probably would have stayed in my head (where it belonged) except that the internet is currently littered with arguments about who had the best Olympics.  These arguments usually center around Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps but they have occasionally been extended to include track cyclists, gymnasts and athletes from other widely different sports.  These apples to oranges comparisons tend to go in circles and have no possible resolution.  Raw Thoughts hates unresolved arguments so I am going to settle them here with using Ferrell’s idea of a hypothetical Olympic Champion Hunger Games.

Before I get to the few athletes I consider to be contenders I think it is important to share my thought process for a minute.  I am for the most part excluding athletes from team sports because of their reliance on other people.  The winner of these games needs to be used to going it alone.  Swimmers have been likewise been eliminated due to the fact that almost all competitive swimmers I know are awkward and uncoordinated at land based sports.  All that time in the water is useless in the Hunger Games.  And don’t think for a minute that I am going to take the easy way out and pick an archer.  Given the fact that the archery announcers were bitching about a slight wind I think its fair to conclude that Olympic archery is not good preparation for combat.

(I also have not included any Chinese athletes in this competition.  This isn’t due to any bias against the Chinese but is done simply for the the sake of fairness.  I think there is an outside chance the hunger games actually exist in China and if that’s true then the Chinese would have an advantage over all other competitors due to familiarity with the process.  Fair is fair.)

The Contenders

Lebron James- Lebron James is a dominant athlete and the betting favorite for this event.  I am not fooled however.  Once three quarters of the athletes have been eliminated I firmly believe he will begin to choke.  He will be the first of the contenders to go down.  Probably attempting to pass something to Mario Chalmers.

Ashton Eaton– Ashton Eaton is the gold medal winner and world record holder in the Decathlon.  The winner of the decathlon is traditionally crowned the best athlete in the world, and given the nature of the event would be reasonably well-prepared for a hunger games type scenario.  The dude can sprint, jump, and has some endurance.  Plus he has a little training with the javelin.  Unfortunately his complete lack of name recognition would hurt his chances of getting enough sponsors to win.

Mo Farah– Farah won both the 5k and 10k at the Olympics this year.  His strategy would be to run away and just keep gong Forrest Gump style until everyone else had killed each other off.  Lack of food and or water could be a problem for Farah however.  And if anyone did catch him they would beat his skinny ass.

Oleksandr Usyk– Usyk is the Olympic heavyweight boxing champion.  That triumph shows prowess at hand to hand combat and a general willingness to beat the shit out of people.  He is also Ukranian and Ukranians are well known for being tough as nails and very cranky.  I don’t see the brutality of the Hunger Games being a problem for this bro.  He is getting even fewer sponsors than Eaton however.  Also, other competitors would probably team up on him early on to eliminate such a scary man.

Svetlana Podobedova– Svetlana is the women’s 75 kg weightlifiting champion.  Because I hate the metric system like any reasonable American I have no idea how big 75 kilograms actually is but she looks scary as shit.

Robert Harting- Harting was the gold medalist in the discuss.  He is an enormous dude, and more importantly his nickname is “The German Hulk.”  His celebration after winning the gold medal is hilarious and also cements Harting’s status as someone not to be fucked with.

The Podium

Bronze Medal-Kobe Bryant.  I know I said that team sports were frowned upon but Kobe is a rare exception.  He is an elite athlete with tons of experience on his side.  Additionally, announcers always laud Kobe for his “killer instinct” and call him an “assassin.”  Its possible they mean these terms metaphorically, but I doubt it.  Plus you never want to bet against one of the most competitive people of all time in a life or death battle.  Only age and injury concerns keep Kobe from placing better in this competition.  He has a history of well-publicized knee injuries so competitors will now to go for his weak spot.

Silver Medal-Alex Morgan.  Alex Morgan also plays a team sport but she has a unique advantage over the rest of the contenders.  In an addition to being an Olympic caliber athlete she is super hot.  I mean just smoking.  Morgon is going to have sponsors on sponsors.  Anything she needs in the arena is going to literally just drop from the sky.  Plus, all of the dudes are going to want to team up with her early in the competition in hopes of getting some Hunger Games action.  Unfortunately once it gets down to two people left our eventual champion will have just a huge physical advantage over Morgan.  No shame in silver though.

Gold Medal-Usain Bolt.  The overall Olympic champion has to be Usain Bolt.  He is the most absurd physical specimen currently walking the earth.  Bolt completely and utterly dominated the Olympics this year winning his two individual events without really trying.  Bolt is so much faster than any human that scientists studied whether or not he could beat a cheetah.  (Really scientists?  Is there absolutely nothing better you can do with your time?  Maybe wait till you figure out the whole cancer thing before timing cheetahs in the 100.)  He couldn’t, but the fact that this was even a discussion shows how superior he is to the rest of the human race.  There are no discussions of Phelps racing a dolphin or having a gorilla enter a weightlifting competition.

We salute you Usain as winner of the first ever Olympic Hunger Games.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

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