Where Do We Go From Here?

June 1, 2012

I love the NBA but was unable to watch or write about the early rounds due to this huge hassle called graduation.  I have however watched every minute of the Conference Finals to date but other than bogus officiating and the fact that Rondo looks exactly like the aliens from Signs there hasn’t been much to talk about yet.  So I figured the best thing to do would be to talk about the teams that have already lost this year, and what they can do to improve for next year.  I am not going to deal with the boring teams so that eliminates the 76ers, Pacers, Nuggets, Hawks, and Jazz.  Sorry ’bout it.  That leaves us with 6 teams who could win a title next year and the Magic.  Lets get the ugliness out of the way and start with Dwight and friends in Orlando.

(Brief tangent: Graduation is terrible.  Seriously.  It is supposed to be a week long party but in reality it is an extended and painful goodbye to all your friends and the best lifestyle possible.  My views on graduation can best be summed up by the great entrepreneur/education enthusiast William Madison.)

The Magic

The Magic are irrevocably, totally screwed.  They are completely reliant on one player who has no interest in being there.  Anyone who thinks that Dwight is staying is deluding themselves.  Either that or they are actually just stupid.  Regardless it isn’t happening.  Dwight Howard signed the one year extension because the only teams with cap space this summer sucked. (I am looking at you New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets)  Next year when teams like the Mav’s have cap room Dwight will be out of there in one hell of a hurry.

Some Magic fans were heartened by the performance of the team after Howard got hurt.  They saw it as a positive sign for a post-Dwight future.  These people are dumb.  I am talking Antoine Dodson dumb.  I don’t care how hard Glen Davis tries or how good J.J. Reddick’s court vision is.  The Magic cannot contend without Howard or an equivalent player.  In fact the Magic would be better off if the team absolutely sucked without Howard so they could get a high draft pick.  It worked for Cleveland.  They had one tragic season and then ended up with Kyrie Irving.  Instead the Magic are headed for years of extended mediocrity before eventually bottoming out.  I bet Stan Van Gundy is secretly psyched to be out of there so he can resume his double life as a porn star.

The Lakers

The Lakers are in almost as bad a shape as the Magic.  They have no chance at winning a title as currently constructed.  Fortunately for them they have three good players instead of one.  This should allow the Lakers to trade either Pau Gasol or Andrew Bynum in order to balance out their roster.  Currently the Lakers suffer from an egregious lack of depth.  Steve Blake played crunch time for them.  Think about that.  He can’t guard anyone, much less Westbrook in the post.  He was abused so badly that Reggie Miller announcing the game was begging Westbrook to lay off of him.  If the Lakers could unload Gasol for a real point guard and hopefully a small forward as well then the Lakers would be back in it with a chance next year.

The Grizzlies and the Bulls

I am lumping these teams together because they both need to get healthy.  Chicago (Carlos Boozer’s corpse starting at power forward) and Memphis (The outside chance that defensive specialist and confirmed crazy-person Tony Allen snaps and kills everyone) have question marks but both were considered championship contenders before their respective injuries.  Get well soon Derrick Rose and Zach Randolph.

The Knicks

The Knicks need to sign Steve Nash, and they need to do it yesterday.  Their team is poorly constructed and worthless on defense, but that has been the case for every Suns team since like 2004 and Nash always has them at least in contention for the playoffs.  Since the second best player on the Suns this past year was Marcin Gortat (it took me almost 15 minutes trying to find a second best player on the suns) and they almost made the playoffs I think it is safe to say that the Knicks would be scary as hell with Nash, Amare, ‘Melo and Tyson Chandler on the floor together.

The Clippers

The Clippers have two important moves to make this off-season.  One is easy.  They need to immediately fire Vinny Del Negro.  He is an absolute bum that should never have gotten one, much less two NBA head coaching jobs.  The second is much harder.  They are going to have to find the Space Jam alien that stole Deandre Jordan’s basketball ability and force him to give it back.  This may seem farfetched since the aliens all left earth at the end of the Space Jam but if you have a better explanation for why a physical specimen like Jordan sucks so hard at all aspects of basketball then I’d like to hear it.  (While they are there the Clippers should charge the Nuggets a consulting fee for returning Javale Mcgee’s talent to him as well.)

The Mavericks

The Mavericks took an interesting route to a first-round exit this year.  After last season they looked to have a promising title defense ready.  the entire core of their team was under contract and appeared to be happy in Dallas.  Then in an attempt to free up cap space owner Mark Cuban traded Tyson Chandler to the Knicks for a second round draft pick.  Chandler may have been limited offensively but he is by any measure the second best defensive big man in the league.  And he was traded for essentially nothing.  By dumping Chandler’s contract Cuban punted the 2011-2012 season like it was Baxter and he was an angry biker on a bridge.  If Cuban’s gamble works out and the Mavericks are able to sign Deron Williams, Dwight Howard, or both then the gamble will have paid off and the Mav’s will be set for close to a decade.  If not then Dirk’s title window has probably closed and Dallas fans will find themselves trapped in a glass case of emotion next year.


3 Responses to “Where Do We Go From Here?”

  1. LM said

    In response to your DeAndre Jordan comment, HE’S FUCKING RETARDED… that is all, but he is a specimen

  2. HTH said

    Marcin Gortat (The Polish Hammer) is a men among boys…

  3. […] is even more screwed.  I wrote earlier about the big risk Mav’s owner Mark Cuban took by selling out to get Dwight Howard and/or […]

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