Athletes Who Are Too Stupid For Twitter Part 3

February 13, 2012

I realize that this idea was supposed to be a weekly post.  It wasn’t.  Sorry about that but it’s been a busy month.  I promise this will be a more regular feature going forward.  If you missed either of the first two AWATSFT posts they can be found here and here.

Anyways, it hurts me to have to name Jamaal Charles as this week’s AWATSFT winner.  Charles is one of my favorite athletes and was probably in the top 15 first people I followed on twitter.  He is on of the 5 best running backs in the NFL, and along with Lesean Mccoy is the top candidate to break a sweet 60+ yard run.  (full disclosure: I am a huge Chiefs fan and diagnosed homer.)  Unfortunately for the Chiefs and my fantasy football team, Charles went down with an ACL tear in the second game of the season.  I think this may have caused him to go insane.  His tweets have gotten progressively more absurd to the point that I recently thought his account had been hacked.  Charles has been blowing up my feed Tony Allen style recently so I would encourage you not to follow him.  Here are a few of his more egregious tweets.

“How many people like the weeken I need to know now..,”

“Talking about all of them damn restaurants got me hungry as hell… Who? want take me out to eat now..”

“Hol up knowmtalkinbout Hol up!”

“I feel like rollerblading…”

“I told the bed I was so tired and it say come to bed so I can hold u tonight..,”

“Goodnight! Be safe if u going out tonight.. I’m going go make love to my bed tonight cause it was talkin to me earlier..”

First and foremost, punctuation and spelling are just disastrous.  I realize that typing things properly on a phone when you are drunk can be tricky but some of this stuff isn’t even close.  And I am pretty confident that if I had more than 75,000 people reading my tweets I would chill with the typos.  And whoever taught Jamaal about ellipsis should be ashamed of themselves.  Charles has managed to overuse and misuse … so much its absurd.  Multiple tweets end in ..,  I guess Charles thinks that a period always ends a sentence and when he wants to continue a thought he rocks the ..,  This would be an understandable mistake… for a kid in second grade.

I also want to touch on the obsession with his bed.  Those two tweets are part of a long series of romantic exchanges between Jamaal Charles and his bed.  Nothing really inappropriate was said but its a creepy overall vibe.

Charles also has an annoying habit of telling whole stories via a series of four or five tweets.  And by stories I mean jokes that might have been funny in fifth grade.  Maybe.  Here’s an example:


“Johnny’s dad thinks, “I’ll get a head start on Johnny’s gambling. He calls the teacher and says, Johnny will be starting your class.”

“tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you’ll have to keep an eye on him. The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple.”

“Johnny smiles and says, “I bet you ten dollars you’ve got a mole on your butt.” The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling..”

“She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars…”

“To the teacher and why. So his dad calls the teacher and says, “Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost.”

“The teacher says, “Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.”

“Johnny’s dad laughs and says, “No you didn’t, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he’d see your ass before the day was over.”


First of all this story or joke or whatever it is really isn’t very entertaining.  More importantly it shows that twitter is a ridiculous medium through which to share bad jokes of this length.  It took 7 tweets and the way twitter feeds work everyone will have seen the punchline first.  Just a really stupid maneuver all around.


In this section I normally salute an athlete who uses his twitter account properly but this time I want to do something different.  I am starting to realize that twitter is the only thing keeping me up to date on current events and big news.  Things like Whitney Houston’s death, election news, and the fact that Nicki Minaj brought a pope imposter as her date to the Grammy’s (Really Nicki Minaj? Really?) would come to my attention well after the fact, if ever, were it not for Twitter.  I refresh ESPN and SI about 50 times a day but rarely find time to check on what is happening in the real world.  As a result this week’s example of a proper use of twitter comes not from an athlete but from one of the first people to break the news of Whitney Houston’s death on my twitter feed, Bill Simmons.

“Young Whitney had a staggering amount of potential. She only reached some of it. RIP.

It was timely, informative and provided some context for the event.  Well done.


One Response to “Athletes Who Are Too Stupid For Twitter Part 3”

  1. […] with their social media output.  Previously scholars like Tony Allen, the Honey Badger, and Jamaal Charles have been the recipients of this esteemed award.  I have really enjoyed writing these posts as it […]

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