Athletes Who Are Too Stupid For Twitter Week 2

December 28, 2011

When I came up with this idea I was really excited.  It combines my two favorite things to do.  Wasting time on twitter and making fun of people.  Unfortunately I didn’t really think through the consequences of following the absolute dumbest athletes on twitter.  My feed has been absolutely devastated by stupid retweets, bad jokes, and punctuation that would horrify a small child.  This weeks winner of the prestigious Athletes Who Are Too Stupid For Twitter award has tweets that range from confusing to idiotic to completely insane.  I am talking of course about Tony Allen.

Allen is the starting shooting guard for the Memphis Grizzlies.  He also might be crazy.  Allen has a miserable jump shot, can barely dribble, and as a result is always near the bottom of the league in field goal percentage and turnovers.  He is in the league for one thing.  His absurd, angry, and at times demented method of playing defense.  This picture shows him literally terrorizing Carmelo Anthony.

 

The look on Anthony’s face in this picture is very familiar to me.  I commonly make it when reading tweets from Allen.  Allen uses a mixture of commitment, effort, and insanity to become a dominant defender.  He brings those same attributes to twitter and the results are equally frightening.  With at least 40 tweets every day Allen smothers my feed the way he smothers ballhandlers.  He also fails to say anything sensical or interesting.  Here are a few of the most absurd:

“I called room service!! The phone ranged!! 75 times, order my food!dude said wait about hour ur whole team just caled and ordered somen.”

“I don’t trick but I can make u famous!”

“Hard on em mane!”

“45 degrees!!! She got her top drop,, she had 2 hit a skunk : its cold as I don’t know what! Smh”

“Stomach! Whas 2 my back!! Now I’m walkn like I’m 6 months!! Prego!! Leaving the chris”

“The LORD works in mysterioUs ways!!”

“Watching espn!! No closed captions !! Trying 2 lip read!! Remind me of the movie!! See no evil hear no evil”

 

As you can see most of these tweets are complete and utter nonsense.  I wish I could tell you that these are taken out of context, but there is literally no context.  Allen also seems to really enjoy exclamation marks but lacks any understanding of how to use them.  In some cases they appear to be used instead of commas, in others they serve no purpose whatsoever.  Occasionally Allen will actually use an exclamation mark correctly but this may just be an accident.  Capitalization also seems to be completely arbitrary.

Tony Allen’s twitter is so obnoxiously worthless that we can only wish his publicist had a little bit more Ryan from The Office in him.

He would have saved us all a little pain and suffering.  Allen’s twitter is @aa000g9.  Follow him at your own risk

 

 

For this weeks proper use of twitter by an athlete we turn to Duke shooting guard Andre Dawkins, and his wonderful analysis near the end of third quarter of Mavs-Heat game. “Yo but the Mavs really got 43 point right now tho.”  He also added after the game, “‘the mavs lost by 11?? That’s not bad’ *someone who didn’t watch the game*”  Accurate, entertaining, and most importantly understandable by the average human being.

 

If you missed last weeks AWATSFT check it out here for an explanation of rules of the game.

 

 

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2 Responses to “Athletes Who Are Too Stupid For Twitter Week 2”

  1. […] I realize that this idea was supposed to be a weekly post.  It wasn’t.  Sorry about that but it’s been a busy month.  I promise this will be a more regular feature going forward.  If you missed either of the first two AWATSFT posts they can be found here and here. […]

  2. […] who need to be a little more careful with their social media output.  Previously scholars like Tony Allen, the Honey Badger, and Jamaal Charles have been the recipients of this esteemed award.  I have […]

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